ohgodohgod.
scores popping out like crazy. my heart isn’t prepared for this.
I need to get a 26/28 on my final or next quiz to get an A in psych. unfortunately they’re on the same day…so I won’t have peace of mind. in fact, it’s likely i’d fuck up which really sucks because i’ve held a 26/28 ish avg this whole quarter.i also really don’t understand the current unit.
then there’s bio. my first legit f/curved c in bio. EVER.
I’m not an F student in bio, i swear.
Ochem is just…
physics. dear lord. if they finally decide it’s about time to put up our physics scores. omg. sometimes not knowing where you stand in a class for a whole quarter is nerve wrecking.
I just realized how offensive I might have been to certain deities.
sub-par, below average. that’s the kind of kid I am.
Screwed up my last two midterms. shiiiit.
During high school I had these two incredibly realistic thoughts, or ones that I’ll point out specifically (I’ve had more thoughts). I was just never sure as to which was true.
I was never sure if my friends wanted to shut me out, or if I was shutting them out.
See, as a precautionary effort, in the event they didn’t want to talk to me anymore, I’d stop talking to them, maybe not altogether…but I’d be colder each time. I’d avoid them. It was a precautionary effort, because I don’t deal well with rejection.
I wasn’t ever sure if they didn’t want to talk to me, so I wouldn’t talk to them. Honestly, I still won’t even say hi to people unless they greet me first.
I would maintain surface level friendships, people I don’t talk to now…and I’m honestly not all that upset that I don’t.
When I think back, it makes me realize how empty my high school life probably was. I never really told people what I thought, because I was so sure they wouldn’t be able to take it and soon I’d be shunned.
Now, I’m making an effort to communicate with these friends. It makes me realize that perhaps I’m the only one who saw them this way. I was probably the only one who saw these friendships as superficial, just ways to pass time before I got the hell out of there…so I wouldn’t be alone. I was probably the only one calculating which ones were worth it. I was probably the only one putting up the facade of a person.
I’m trying to reconnect to the ones I was real with. Or real enough. I hope I’m making a step in the right direction. I doubt anything will be mended or built. I can try though. I like to say that I’m a fragment of who I was in middle school and elementary school. I think it’s true, because back then I wasn’t acting 90% of the time. What you saw, was what I thought or felt. If I said someone was a friend, I had no doubts. Even if we trash talked each other, I still trusted them. I trusted them more, and saw them more as people than most of the friends I’ve made since.
That sounds pretty horrible huh? I assure you it’s as horrible as you’re probably interpreting it. I like tumblr because I can saythese things.
It’s a complex, so complex you would never understand.
I am being presumptuous.
I also don’t think there’s a point in saying something if no one will care to listen or understand.
Therefore, I’d rather say nothing to you than have you pretend like you even have a clue as to what I mean or act as if you cared enough.
So please don’t ask, don’t comment unless you’re willing to make a five minute commitment.
A friendship is a timeless commitment, but the act of being a friend is going to take time unfortunately.
I’m sorry. I just really don’t like empty statements. I don’t like my time being wasted. I don’t like it when people say something with nothing or something completely opposite behind them. I don’t care about your bullshit. I know this is a social society. People thrive off being social, but I don’t have enough time in this world or any world to sit around with someone pretending like they care or for me to pretend that I care.
I believe that words are powerful, and they are only powerful because they have meaning. When you distort them, fill them with false intent, you pervert them. You destroy what they are. So why on earth should I sit around and play with your trash?
Regardless, I’ll play the game anyway I guess. It’s that or ostracism.
Hi, how are you?
teehee
knight service
like shit.
Just kidding.
I feel like I’ve said this before, but I’ve never felt so unprepared for a bio test ever. I’m sort of feeling the what the fuck happened the last three weeks?
I’m going to die. The question is, should it be before or after my midterms?
Tues - ochem quiz, long ass lab
wed - physics quiz (7:30am) psych quiz (10:00 am) [no midterms in these classes]
thursday. day of death. ochem midterm (7:30am) bio midterm (10 am)
Don’t even get me started on chem…BECAUSE I HAVENT EVEN STARTED ON CHEM! :[
-tear-
I’m dead. I really don’t know what’s going on this quarter. I know I’m panicking. That test time week of stomach pain has already started. At least, I’m not shaking.
Yet.
I really can’t take this. I really, really, really can’t.
When I study hard for chem, i get a std dev below avg. The Avg itself isn’t even pretty to look at.
When I havent even looked at the material….I know I’m dead
I also don’t understand bio. so I’m really, really, scared.
I feel nauseous. I feel like I’m going to pass out, but not from being tired.
It’s a shame. Really, really a shame. I don’t know the full details (and perhaps I should find out), but I heard that Vogue isn’t going to have underweight models anymore. I honestly do not care about the world of fashion. I understand the good intent behind this plan; to show that being anorexic isn’t something to necessarily be proud of. With tumblr and many other social media outlets trying to curb the voice of the proana supporters, I can see that being thin is currently not in.
I honestly believe that this is absolutely ridiculous. Yes, there are girls that are starving themselves to look like something unrealistic as a result of the media’s unrealistic portrayal of the human body. I too have seen proana pictures. I know that there are girls that are literally starving themselves. I do not claim to be a voice of those girls and boys. Can’t forget about the boys.
However, this is absolutely ridiculous. Rather than curb the influence of anorexia and the ideal thin image, what has happened is thin-shaming. People are calling these poor girls, boys, and even models, stick thin, unhealthy, ugly. These people are putting down people who are already extremely self-conscious. With every insult, name, and shutting of these thin peoples’ voices, I’m sure some of these people, mostly the youth, feel a stab to their self-worth. Is being thin something to be ashamed of? Even sickly thin? Do we really need to push these people so far into a corner that they can never get out? If some of these people aren’t satisfied with their looks and other people are even criticizing their looks, how will anything change for the better? If one of these people realize they need help, or someone who realizes they are on the brink of anorexia or bulimia needs help, who can they turn to? It’s like when STDs were still a low-down thing. How can you possibly get help, why would you admit something is wrong, when people are jeering at you, judging you, and in no way helping you? How can anyone extend their hand to grasp for help, when all the public is willing to do is stone it?
You tell me. Is anyone really being helped here? Perhaps future youth won’t fall prey to anorexia, but what about the current youth? There’s a whole generation there that you’re pushing away. Comments on articles about these things make me sick. It is a mental problem. Perhaps people experiencing anorexia/bulimia don’t feel that way, but it is an issue. In a way, this is straight out discrimination. It’s a mental illness that affects physical attributes of the body. Would it be right to shame a bipolar person or Down syndrome (yes, I know that’s chromosomal)? Would you prevent them from having outlets of expression? Would you prevent them from modeling, because they are facing something uncontrollable (though I guess a huge aspect of anorexia is control)?
This is disgusting.
The response to this banning stuff is disgusting.
Perhaps I should mention something. I’m not entirely against changing the ideal image for a more realistic, reachable weight. I’m not against vogue’s idea entirely (I still think it’s discrimination).
I just think how the general public has responded to this is absolutely disgusting.
Today I went to go get coffee…with my headphones on and my lid on my thermos. of course I had to open my thermos and pay the cashier….in the process i dropped my headphones — sorry earbuds, on the ground and took forever to pay…
I never learn.
Anyway, that’s really not the point of this entry. When I went to get my coffee, I heard some guy talking about how all girls are so stupid. I was just thinking, whatever, must have had a bad run in with a girl or something. As I was filling my coffee with sweetener, he reached over me for a stirrer and was like “Sorry about that sweetheart.” Yeah, it’s fine, I was the one in the way anyway. But woah, woah, woah. Step back for a second. SWEETHEART? Am I five or something? Of course, I turned and looked to see if it was actually a professor, whom might actually see all students as if they were five. Nope. It was some guy my age. Sweetheart wasn’t said with lecherous intent mind you. It sounded more like how you would talk to a kid.
At my internship, people call me honey, sweetheart, or miss intern. ahaha. That would seem pretty normal, if I hadn’t known that these ladies are less than ten years older than me… Some are still in their mid-late twenties.
Anyway, sometimes I feel like I’m five or something.
Or maybe, that guy just talks down to all girls or something considering his prior comments.
I really want to study abroad…but my major doesn’t make it at all practical. I’ll admit, my goal in studying abroad isn’t to listen to some amazing professor or something like that. I juts want to go abroad, and take in life elsewhere.
I’ve decided where I want to go, and I’ll happily/shamefully admit I have ulterior motives.
Anyway, I was thinking of changing majors anyway. I’m sick of where I am now, and where I am now does nothing good for my emotional state. In case you haven’t realized, I’m the most bitter person I know, and possibly the most bitter person you know. I’m somewhat openly bitter…but that’s really only a small fraction of how bitter I really am. If I’m not busy hating someone for something, I’m hating myself and OMG THERE’S A SPIDER ON ME OMG OMg WHERE DID IT GO. GROSS GROSS GROSS>
Anyway, I really need a change in scene and a change in what I’m studying. Only an idiot would pay to be unhappy (unless the other option is death…but we’re not going there, because I can’t take that).
I feel like the spider is in my shirt. I’m scared.
Anyway, I’ve digressed enough. I want to go to London…forachancetorunintocharliemcdonnellandtomfelton. cough.
Also, I kind of understand spoken English.
